Tuesday, July 20, 2010

You said it. You did it. Now we'll have to kill you. (Part 2)

Resurrection. I’m actually quite annoyed (at myself) that blogging is the one resolution I didn’t keep. I am not a hater. I am not even an angry person, quite passive really – ask anyone who actually knows me. Just pointing out the obvious.

Burger
This is specific to brownies. Even more specifically brownies in Pakistan. Yes you. You know who you are. You took a term overused by the judgmental Pakis who have never beyond city limits and not only adopted it but raped it. As crass as it sounds I can’t help saying it – you gang raped it.
I suppose I should explain this term as many would not understand what and why (not that I do). A burger is a meal. An American meal. Especially enjoyed by every Paki – it’s a ‘treat’ really. You ask the visiting desi what they would like to eat? 90% of the time the answer is a burger. However its an American meal.
And that’s the trigger.
Every time a person with a different view – immigrant or even living in Pakistan – says or does something considered Americanized in any remote way that person is a ‘burger’. A slight veer to the left and you are a burger. A little insight to a belief and you are a burger. Introduce a new thought – well you get the idea.
How is this an insult? Using it should land you in the deep fryer. Burger that fool.

Left-hand side of escalator unmoving stubborn person
Just because I walk on magic stairs that do your walking for you doesn’t mean I am hyper and nor does it mean I am hard to keep up with. It simply means that I have legs that I discovered as an infant and realized that I sort of like to use them. More so while I still can. Agreed that the stairs do the work for you and frankly I don’t care if people don’t want to move if they don’t have to but MOVE OVER TO THE RIGHT SIDE. This may be very specific to San Francisco but I have to add this. Stop eyeballing me! And o yes when I politely excuse myself don’t look at me as if I have three heads. My legs are mine to use!

LOLz
“LOL” made it to round one. But I have realized that this supposed plural cannot be ignored. It may even be worse. Not only can I not fathom why every other sentence is laced with an infamous ‘lol’ but now I am left wondering which moron first thought of the plural. And to add insult to injury the plural is spelled with a ‘z’ and not ‘s’ – why? Perhaps its ‘kool’. O my that really does make me cringe. So let me ask again what is so damned funny that people have to constantly have your say with an LOLZ! Its not just a term a person should use for the sake of saying something. At least wait to be genuinely amused.

Desis on Facebook terms: DP / Mashahalla / Awwwwww
Back again to specific trends, this time to Facebook speak.
Lets start with the comment “Nice DP”. Or how about “Oooo I love your DP!” What? Am I dense? Or just old? Perhaps both? So I went to my trusted buddy Google and did a search. Results? Nothing. Nada. So if Google doesn’t know how the hell am I supposed to know?
So I ask. And am laughed at and yes even labeled a burger for my ignorance. Apparently its common knowledge that a “DP” is a “display picture”. That’s the worst definition / label / whatever of a profile picture I have even heard of. I mean really! How lazy are you? Why can’t you say I love your picture. You are commentating right under it – you know that right?
Lets move on to “Mashahalla”. Why is this sprinkled everywhere? Every posed, overly cute picture is inevitably laced with a ‘mashahalla!’ What compels you? Your guilt of not finding God? Or because its cute? At least do everyone a favor and apply it correctly. Every single picture / comment / activity does NOT deserve a mashahalla! Nothing – and I mean nothing – is that praise worthy!
Want me to drive in my point further? Lets try this intelligent comment; “Mashahalla what a cute DP! You look sooooo cute”. (Should I have added cute to this list to?)
And then on to the expression of labeling a comment / picture / post as ultimate cuteness. But how many activities deserve to wear that crown? A status says “J” and you say “Awww”. A new picture is up and you say “Awww”. A humorous conversation above your aww-ing head is exchanged and you um, say “Awww”.  Makes me wonder if aww-speak is a cult perhaps?

Healthy & Weak
Term Contributor: Ayesha & I
Putting on a little weight is bad enough without it being politely called out (almost always by a desi aunty) as an addition to your health. “How have you been? You look healthy, the air must be suiting you.” Or how about this “You were so skinny before, you look so fresh and healthy!” The worst part of all these true stories is that they are said with a straight face. Have the generous, opinionated yet complimentary (twisted isn’t it?) aunties realized that the extra weight is an uncomfortable subject? Or that the compliment is being paid to a person who has been the SAME weight for the last 7 years? And then um, aunty jee please consider that your victim may be 3 months pregnant.
There are those that are fresh (what the hell does fresh mean by the way? Should I make an analogy to a fresh vegetable?), and then there are those that are sickly. Ahem I mean weak. “Your cooking couldn’t be very good you look so weak!” Mind you, this is all out of concern. And love. Stifling, claustrophobic, know-it-all concerned love. Perhaps the weight loss was intentional? Did you consider I may have been sick? And then again, your victims weight has not changed in the last 7 years!