You said it. You did it. Now we'll have to kill you. (Part 2)

Resurrection. I’m actually quite annoyed (at myself) that blogging is the one resolution I didn’t keep. I am not a hater. I am not even an angry person, quite passive really – ask anyone who actually knows me. Just pointing out the obvious.

Burger
This is specific to brownies. Even more specifically brownies in Pakistan. Yes you. You know who you are. You took a term overused by the judgmental Pakis who have never beyond city limits and not only adopted it but raped it. As crass as it sounds I can’t help saying it – you gang raped it.
I suppose I should explain this term as many would not understand what and why (not that I do). A burger is a meal. An American meal. Especially enjoyed by every Paki – it’s a ‘treat’ really. You ask the visiting desi what they would like to eat? 90% of the time the answer is a burger. However its an American meal.
And that’s the trigger.
Every time a person with a different view – immigrant or even living in Pakistan – says or does something considered Americanized in any remote way that person is a ‘burger’. A slight veer to the left and you are a burger. A little insight to a belief and you are a burger. Introduce a new thought – well you get the idea.
How is this an insult? Using it should land you in the deep fryer. Burger that fool.

Left-hand side of escalator unmoving stubborn person
Just because I walk on magic stairs that do your walking for you doesn’t mean I am hyper and nor does it mean I am hard to keep up with. It simply means that I have legs that I discovered as an infant and realized that I sort of like to use them. More so while I still can. Agreed that the stairs do the work for you and frankly I don’t care if people don’t want to move if they don’t have to but MOVE OVER TO THE RIGHT SIDE. This may be very specific to San Francisco but I have to add this. Stop eyeballing me! And o yes when I politely excuse myself don’t look at me as if I have three heads. My legs are mine to use!

LOLz
“LOL” made it to round one. But I have realized that this supposed plural cannot be ignored. It may even be worse. Not only can I not fathom why every other sentence is laced with an infamous ‘lol’ but now I am left wondering which moron first thought of the plural. And to add insult to injury the plural is spelled with a ‘z’ and not ‘s’ – why? Perhaps its ‘kool’. O my that really does make me cringe. So let me ask again what is so damned funny that people have to constantly have your say with an LOLZ! Its not just a term a person should use for the sake of saying something. At least wait to be genuinely amused.

Desis on Facebook terms: DP / Mashahalla / Awwwwww
Back again to specific trends, this time to Facebook speak.
Lets start with the comment “Nice DP”. Or how about “Oooo I love your DP!” What? Am I dense? Or just old? Perhaps both? So I went to my trusted buddy Google and did a search. Results? Nothing. Nada. So if Google doesn’t know how the hell am I supposed to know?
So I ask. And am laughed at and yes even labeled a burger for my ignorance. Apparently its common knowledge that a “DP” is a “display picture”. That’s the worst definition / label / whatever of a profile picture I have even heard of. I mean really! How lazy are you? Why can’t you say I love your picture. You are commentating right under it – you know that right?
Lets move on to “Mashahalla”. Why is this sprinkled everywhere? Every posed, overly cute picture is inevitably laced with a ‘mashahalla!’ What compels you? Your guilt of not finding God? Or because its cute? At least do everyone a favor and apply it correctly. Every single picture / comment / activity does NOT deserve a mashahalla! Nothing – and I mean nothing – is that praise worthy!
Want me to drive in my point further? Lets try this intelligent comment; “Mashahalla what a cute DP! You look sooooo cute”. (Should I have added cute to this list to?)
And then on to the expression of labeling a comment / picture / post as ultimate cuteness. But how many activities deserve to wear that crown? A status says “J” and you say “Awww”. A new picture is up and you say “Awww”. A humorous conversation above your aww-ing head is exchanged and you um, say “Awww”.  Makes me wonder if aww-speak is a cult perhaps?

Healthy & Weak
Term Contributor: Ayesha & I
Putting on a little weight is bad enough without it being politely called out (almost always by a desi aunty) as an addition to your health. “How have you been? You look healthy, the air must be suiting you.” Or how about this “You were so skinny before, you look so fresh and healthy!” The worst part of all these true stories is that they are said with a straight face. Have the generous, opinionated yet complimentary (twisted isn’t it?) aunties realized that the extra weight is an uncomfortable subject? Or that the compliment is being paid to a person who has been the SAME weight for the last 7 years? And then um, aunty jee please consider that your victim may be 3 months pregnant.
There are those that are fresh (what the hell does fresh mean by the way? Should I make an analogy to a fresh vegetable?), and then there are those that are sickly. Ahem I mean weak. “Your cooking couldn’t be very good you look so weak!” Mind you, this is all out of concern. And love. Stifling, claustrophobic, know-it-all concerned love. Perhaps the weight loss was intentional? Did you consider I may have been sick? And then again, your victims weight has not changed in the last 7 years!

You said it. Now we'll have to kill you. (Part 1)

Ignoring any sort of blogging activity in the recent past I feel compelled to come back from the dead. Its just that the list is always growing. And we must realize that the run-of-the-mill quips / comments / jokes people use in conversation and sometimes to imply humor are actually just ammo against their passing as likeable, normal people.

With many friends who live vicariously through other’s efforts, there will be others contributing to this list as it grows. O, and it will grow.

“LOL”

So the other day I receive an email from an old friend. Someone I haven’t met in a long time and so its obviously not someone I’m displeased to hear from. But then I see the subject line and its titled “long time no see lol......”. Call me dense if you want, but what is there to laugh out loud about here? Being ‘nice’ I reply back and ask a few polite question about life and how this friend is. And get a reply that starts with ‘lol …. I’m ok .. lol”. Am I missing the humor here?

Its like those annoying chats where the whole time you are in conversation the other person is lol-ing with each reply. What, what, WHAT is so funny about me telling you how work is going that is making you laugh out LOUD!

Even facebook status’ aren’t safe. “Life is a bitch .. lol” .. “Lost my phone .. lol .. message me your #s”.

So that’s it. One more lol out of you with no real context means that you will have to be committed.

“Freedom”

The overuse of, and the wrong context to gets this on the list. Especially with recent US election history and certain wars that need to end. As far as I understand it, if you are fighting for freedom then you are not the attacker but the attacked. Yes it wonderful to be free. And no I do not want to live life shrouded indoors and not allowed to step out. Its just that I’ve heard it way too much. And almost always from the sort of person who uses it in the wrong context.

So no you may not ask people if they value their freedom just to justify wars that started for other reasons.

And neither is it socially correct - or non-retarded for that matter – to ask people if they like freedom? What kind of response do you give to that? Um no, I like living in the cage that Hansel was put in to fatten up?

“Have a nice one”

Admittedly having lived in the States the last few years I have heard this a lot more then in other places. But during my last trip home I had quite a few a ‘have a nice one’ comments sprinkled here and there at the end of a few conversations. If its travelling across continents then its definitely making it to the list.

Have a nice what? What does that even mean? Are people so lazy now that they can’t even give a decent goodbye blessing or farewell or whatever? What is “one”? What are you wishing on the other person when you wish them a nice “one”.

Till someone answers that question no one should be allowed to wish you a ‘nice one’ without explanation.

“Good times”

Term contribution: Rosie

At the end of a conversation, even if it’s a good one, why do people feel the need to seal fate? As affirming that yes, it was good talking to you. You aren’t a moron and I am not going to block these last fifteen minutes out as a painful memory. If that’s not annoying enough, the overuse of the term makes you want to push the person guilty of saying it over a very, very high cliff that overlooks sharp rocks. This kind of person applies it to everything. I was talking about bread – why does that connate a good time?

“Hella / Fail / Fuckin’ A”

Term Contributor: T & I

So this pertains solely to brown people. I’m not racist, far from it in fact. Its just certain slang just does not maintain the correct innuendo when used by different races. And in this case its all you fellow brownies.

Take this conversation for example – true story mind you.

Me: “Hi Happy Birthday ! Whats up”. 

Brown person: “Dude Im hella trashed at home. It was cold so I said Fuckin’ A man lets gets drunk right here at home.”

Me: “Glad you are having a good time.”

Brown person: “Fuckin A man. Fucking A”.

Um really? See, it just doesn’t match the face. And besides this attempt to slang didn’t even make sense. Why would you say Fuckin’ A to the cold? Or a lame party at home with er, your goldfish and your roommate?

Another example for you – and T swears its true. Facebook example no less.

Brown girl A puts up as her status: Saw Tabu and asked her if she was Juhi Chawla and Tabu got mad.

Brown girl B posts two pictures of both actors side by side and says: How could you mix them up?

Brown girl A: Fail.

As in epic failure? Fail? What? Need I say more?

“Omg! That’s .. soooo .. funnnnyyy”

Term Contributor: Rosie & I

So while we are playing the race card we must add that this is a very White term. And as much as I hate to admit it, its also limited to women.

So first off IM talk – as in abbreviations for whoever may take a mental minute – should be limited to online talk. And online talk only. I mean how lazy are you that you can’t speak in full sentences? What if everyone just normally talked like that?

Girl A: “Omg I’m so tired of her.”

Girl B: “Fml me too!”

Girl A: “She told me she would BRT. I mean Wtf?”

Girl B: “You should tell her to DIAF. Lol”

Girl A: “Omg! That’s .. soooo .. funnnnyyy”

Not only is it bad enough that ‘normal’ people are now talking in IM, but they are also dragging out sentences. Slowly. Not to mention painfully. So you tell me, how could this not be listed?

“When did you learn to speak English?”

Term Contributor: T

This has probably happened to every brown person I know living in the States. Especially from those who claim to be well versed in culture because they have a token friend of color. Admittedly though there is a higher chance of you hearing this in the Midwest. Sorry but you know its true.

How can a normal person ask someone that question with a straight face? More so, if we are actually having a conversation in PERFECT ENGLISH and you ask me how it is that my English is so good, how do you expect me to react? I mean are you retarded?

Or then when did I learn to speak English. All I really want to say to that is since I was a baby bitch. We were colonized too – look it up.

That’s the end of part one. I know the list is always growing -  I should start writing these down or something.