Tuesday, July 20, 2010

You said it. You did it. Now we'll have to kill you. (Part 2)

Resurrection. I’m actually quite annoyed (at myself) that blogging is the one resolution I didn’t keep. I am not a hater. I am not even an angry person, quite passive really – ask anyone who actually knows me. Just pointing out the obvious.

Burger
This is specific to brownies. Even more specifically brownies in Pakistan. Yes you. You know who you are. You took a term overused by the judgmental Pakis who have never beyond city limits and not only adopted it but raped it. As crass as it sounds I can’t help saying it – you gang raped it.
I suppose I should explain this term as many would not understand what and why (not that I do). A burger is a meal. An American meal. Especially enjoyed by every Paki – it’s a ‘treat’ really. You ask the visiting desi what they would like to eat? 90% of the time the answer is a burger. However its an American meal.
And that’s the trigger.
Every time a person with a different view – immigrant or even living in Pakistan – says or does something considered Americanized in any remote way that person is a ‘burger’. A slight veer to the left and you are a burger. A little insight to a belief and you are a burger. Introduce a new thought – well you get the idea.
How is this an insult? Using it should land you in the deep fryer. Burger that fool.

Left-hand side of escalator unmoving stubborn person
Just because I walk on magic stairs that do your walking for you doesn’t mean I am hyper and nor does it mean I am hard to keep up with. It simply means that I have legs that I discovered as an infant and realized that I sort of like to use them. More so while I still can. Agreed that the stairs do the work for you and frankly I don’t care if people don’t want to move if they don’t have to but MOVE OVER TO THE RIGHT SIDE. This may be very specific to San Francisco but I have to add this. Stop eyeballing me! And o yes when I politely excuse myself don’t look at me as if I have three heads. My legs are mine to use!

LOLz
“LOL” made it to round one. But I have realized that this supposed plural cannot be ignored. It may even be worse. Not only can I not fathom why every other sentence is laced with an infamous ‘lol’ but now I am left wondering which moron first thought of the plural. And to add insult to injury the plural is spelled with a ‘z’ and not ‘s’ – why? Perhaps its ‘kool’. O my that really does make me cringe. So let me ask again what is so damned funny that people have to constantly have your say with an LOLZ! Its not just a term a person should use for the sake of saying something. At least wait to be genuinely amused.

Desis on Facebook terms: DP / Mashahalla / Awwwwww
Back again to specific trends, this time to Facebook speak.
Lets start with the comment “Nice DP”. Or how about “Oooo I love your DP!” What? Am I dense? Or just old? Perhaps both? So I went to my trusted buddy Google and did a search. Results? Nothing. Nada. So if Google doesn’t know how the hell am I supposed to know?
So I ask. And am laughed at and yes even labeled a burger for my ignorance. Apparently its common knowledge that a “DP” is a “display picture”. That’s the worst definition / label / whatever of a profile picture I have even heard of. I mean really! How lazy are you? Why can’t you say I love your picture. You are commentating right under it – you know that right?
Lets move on to “Mashahalla”. Why is this sprinkled everywhere? Every posed, overly cute picture is inevitably laced with a ‘mashahalla!’ What compels you? Your guilt of not finding God? Or because its cute? At least do everyone a favor and apply it correctly. Every single picture / comment / activity does NOT deserve a mashahalla! Nothing – and I mean nothing – is that praise worthy!
Want me to drive in my point further? Lets try this intelligent comment; “Mashahalla what a cute DP! You look sooooo cute”. (Should I have added cute to this list to?)
And then on to the expression of labeling a comment / picture / post as ultimate cuteness. But how many activities deserve to wear that crown? A status says “J” and you say “Awww”. A new picture is up and you say “Awww”. A humorous conversation above your aww-ing head is exchanged and you um, say “Awww”.  Makes me wonder if aww-speak is a cult perhaps?

Healthy & Weak
Term Contributor: Ayesha & I
Putting on a little weight is bad enough without it being politely called out (almost always by a desi aunty) as an addition to your health. “How have you been? You look healthy, the air must be suiting you.” Or how about this “You were so skinny before, you look so fresh and healthy!” The worst part of all these true stories is that they are said with a straight face. Have the generous, opinionated yet complimentary (twisted isn’t it?) aunties realized that the extra weight is an uncomfortable subject? Or that the compliment is being paid to a person who has been the SAME weight for the last 7 years? And then um, aunty jee please consider that your victim may be 3 months pregnant.
There are those that are fresh (what the hell does fresh mean by the way? Should I make an analogy to a fresh vegetable?), and then there are those that are sickly. Ahem I mean weak. “Your cooking couldn’t be very good you look so weak!” Mind you, this is all out of concern. And love. Stifling, claustrophobic, know-it-all concerned love. Perhaps the weight loss was intentional? Did you consider I may have been sick? And then again, your victims weight has not changed in the last 7 years!

Monday, December 28, 2009

You said it. Now we'll have to kill you. (Part 1)

Ignoring any sort of blogging activity in the recent past I feel compelled to come back from the dead. Its just that the list is always growing. And we must realize that the run-of-the-mill quips / comments / jokes people use in conversation and sometimes to imply humor are actually just ammo against their passing as likeable, normal people.
With many friends who live vicariously through other’s efforts, there will be others contributing to this list as it grows. O, and it will grow.

“LOL”
So the other day I receive an email from an old friend. Someone I haven’t met in a long time and so its obviously not someone I’m displeased to hear from. But then I see the subject line and its titled “long time no see lol......”. Call me dense if you want, but what is there to laugh out loud about here? Being ‘nice’ I reply back and ask a few polite question about life and how this friend is. And get a reply that starts with ‘lol …. I’m ok .. lol”. Am I missing the humor here?
Its like those annoying chats where the whole time you are in conversation the other person is lol-ing with each reply. What, what, WHAT is so funny about me telling you how work is going that is making you laugh out LOUD!
Even facebook status’ aren’t safe. “Life is a bitch .. lol” .. “Lost my phone .. lol .. message me your #s”.
So that’s it. One more lol out of you with no real context means that you will have to be committed.

“Freedom”
The overuse of, and the wrong context to gets this on the list. Especially with recent US election history and certain wars that need to end. As far as I understand it, if you are fighting for freedom then you are not the attacker but the attacked. Yes it wonderful to be free. And no I do not want to live life shrouded indoors and not allowed to step out. Its just that I’ve heard it way too much. And almost always from the sort of person who uses it in the wrong context.
So no you may not ask people if they value their freedom just to justify wars that started for other reasons.
And neither is it socially correct - or non-retarded for that matter – to ask people if they like freedom? What kind of response do you give to that? Um no, I like living in the cage that Hansel was put in to fatten up?

“Have a nice one”
Admittedly having lived in the States the last few years I have heard this a lot more then in other places. But during my last trip home I had quite a few a ‘have a nice one’ comments sprinkled here and there at the end of a few conversations. If its travelling across continents then its definitely making it to the list.
Have a nice what? What does that even mean? Are people so lazy now that they can’t even give a decent goodbye blessing or farewell or whatever? What is “one”? What are you wishing on the other person when you wish them a nice “one”.
Till someone answers that question no one should be allowed to wish you a ‘nice one’ without explanation.

“Good times”
Term contribution: Rosie
At the end of a conversation, even if it’s a good one, why do people feel the need to seal fate? As affirming that yes, it was good talking to you. You aren’t a moron and I am not going to block these last fifteen minutes out as a painful memory. If that’s not annoying enough, the overuse of the term makes you want to push the person guilty of saying it over a very, very high cliff that overlooks sharp rocks. This kind of person applies it to everything. I was talking about bread – why does that connate a good time?


“Hella / Fail / Fuckin’ A”
Term Contributor: T & I
So this pertains solely to brown people. I’m not racist, far from it in fact. Its just certain slang just does not maintain the correct innuendo when used by different races. And in this case its all you fellow brownies.
Take this conversation for example – true story mind you.
Me: “Hi Happy Birthday ! Whats up”. 
Brown person: “Dude Im hella trashed at home. It was cold so I said Fuckin’ A man lets gets drunk right here at home.”
Me: “Glad you are having a good time.”
Brown person: “Fuckin A man. Fucking A”.
Um really? See, it just doesn’t match the face. And besides this attempt to slang didn’t even make sense. Why would you say Fuckin’ A to the cold? Or a lame party at home with er, your goldfish and your roommate?
Another example for you – and T swears its true. Facebook example no less.
Brown girl A puts up as her status: Saw Tabu and asked her if she was Juhi Chawla and Tabu got mad.
Brown girl B posts two pictures of both actors side by side and says: How could you mix them up?
Brown girl A: Fail.
As in epic failure? Fail? What? Need I say more?


“Omg! That’s .. soooo .. funnnnyyy”
Term Contributor: Rosie & I
So while we are playing the race card we must add that this is a very White term. And as much as I hate to admit it, its also limited to women.
So first off IM talk – as in abbreviations for whoever may take a mental minute – should be limited to online talk. And online talk only. I mean how lazy are you that you can’t speak in full sentences? What if everyone just normally talked like that?
Girl A: “Omg I’m so tired of her.”
Girl B: “Fml me too!”
Girl A: “She told me she would BRT. I mean Wtf?”
Girl B: “You should tell her to DIAF. Lol”
Girl A: “Omg! That’s .. soooo .. funnnnyyy”
Not only is it bad enough that ‘normal’ people are now talking in IM, but they are also dragging out sentences. Slowly. Not to mention painfully. So you tell me, how could this not be listed?


“When did you learn to speak English?”
Term Contributor: T
This has probably happened to every brown person I know living in the States. Especially from those who claim to be well versed in culture because they have a token friend of color. Admittedly though there is a higher chance of you hearing this in the Midwest. Sorry but you know its true.
How can a normal person ask someone that question with a straight face? More so, if we are actually having a conversation in PERFECT ENGLISH and you ask me how it is that my English is so good, how do you expect me to react? I mean are you retarded?
Or then when did I learn to speak English. All I really want to say to that is since I was a baby bitch. We were colonized too – look it up.


That’s the end of part one. I know the list is always growing -  I should start writing these down or something.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Tearing Down Spirits

Obama in The Audacity of Hope:
Increasingly, I [Obama] found myself spending time with people of means - law firm partners and investment bankers, hedge fund managers
and venture capitalists. As a rule, they were smart, interesting people knowledgeable about public policy, liberal in their politics,
expecting nothing more than a hearing of their opinions in exchange for checks... They believed in the free market and an educational
meritocracy; they found it hard to imagine that there might be any social ill that could not be cured with a high SAT score. They had no
patience with protectionism, found unions troublesome, and were not particularly sympathetic to those whose lives were upended by
movements of global capital. Most were adamantly pro-choice and were
vaguely suspicious of deep religious sentiment...”

An education means being truly enlightened. To see more. To hear more.To know more in essence. Going off of Obama’s realization, the most
educated people belonging to the true public policy, egalitarian school of thought that believe in the strength of knowledge.  In the fruits it can bring and the challenges it can impose on those that choose to leave us in the dark.

The newest addition to the control of the Homeland though seems to enjoy the darker choice. (Excuse the pun on the infamous ‘dark side’.) The parallel legal system run by the Taleban demands a personal
interpretation of Sharia that cannot help but make me extremely, not near vaguely, suspicious of the this deep religiosity.

Quoting desi legal experts"The Taleban have always said they want the implementation of their version of Sharia law here."

I have to admit here though that how can general citizens be expected abide by the law when felons and former drug abusers run the government. Choicely ignored, this has always been ignored as we can
see by the current top rooster of the green-and-white homeland, or by the former head of the blue-red-and-white country.

Going back to our so-called religious leaders, aside from the legality of the matter, I find it hard to believe that any religious book would allow the tearing down of, and banning of girls schools. All the hard
work of building a geographically challenged area, especially by
extraordinary people like Greg Mortenson who have dedicated their lives to the cause of education is now crumbling right in front of us.

(Greg Mortenson has spent the last decade or so building girl’s
schools and improving lives between the most remote parts of Pakistan and Afghanistan. To learn more visit: 

www.gregmortenson.com)

While there are good things happening in Pakistan, the restoration of the Chief Justice being the most recent example, I am wondering why so little heed is being paid to the crucial issue over such sentiment.

Where is the long-march for the ambush of lives and the tearing down of spirits?

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Do We Truly Want Change

With the coming of a new year, I can’t help but wonder if 2009 — despite the familiarity, and slight over use of the “yes we can” slogan — will really be a year of change. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a pessimist I am not one to write off the world. I can assure you I have gotten in to more then one heated debated in defense of a certain revolutionary politician even though I have no voting rights to support him. I believe that people can change and move mountains if they may wish — the question though is, how many actually want to?

Here in the States I have witnessed history in the past few months; where an entire nation’s efforts helped install a leader that tradition of a decade or so ago would make his mere nomination itself unfathomable, let alone his installation to the highest office of their Country. But they came together, and even those that usually chose to remain indifferent to politicians and the world they run actually got up and knocked on doors to canvas for someone they believed in. What’s more, people around the Globe have celebrated the coming of this politician, each claiming that the human race can and has evolved.

With a whole new year ahead of us and with all this talk of change, I cannot help but question how many of us have evolved enough to believe in this cross-cultural, cross-border change.
How far have the business owners who voted blue come if they only did so for anticipated tax cuts and benefits? Would they have done so if they couldn’t conveniently blame everything that’s wrong with the Country on the current, and more then slightly amusing, President?

I have to say here that the hard-core republicans who did vote red I guess deserve some credit. They never claimed to have evolved at all this past year and had no qualms about it. In fact, it was more then obvious that most had more concern about opposition from someone who — don’t forget to gasp here — had the middle name of Hussein, versus pushing for they voters to elect a second-in-command who had no clue as to the location of Africa.

Many polls around the US, and the world in fact, show that people of all colors and races embraced the coming of this new revolutionary leader because they feel it is a huge step for the world. With his charming demeanor and his willingness to — gasp again please — negotiate with terrorists before deciding to wipe out entire nations. But have these same people, claiming to be on the more educated, blue side of the debate, really come a long way?

I wondered this when an Indian friend lashed out at me during the terror attacks in Mumbai and brazenly stated that she would never— and I quote — have respect for a Pakistani ever again. I wondered if she realized that at that very time my very Pakistani, green passport bearing, granny just happened to be frantically calling her sister in India who lives about a block away from the ill-fated Taj Hotel.

Could the human race really have evolved if those who share a common heritage are so quick to write off an entire race? Or wait, I must correct myself here. Write off half a race because the other half was, well, born on the other side of an imaginary line called the Indian-Pakistan border.

Of all those openly claiming that they are enlightened enough to believe in this proposed change, I wonder how many will think about it when they roll up to private clubs across the bigger metropolitans of Lahore, Karachi and Islamabad. Will they think about the most recent bombs that went off in Lahore? How many of those who are actually in the position to do something about this idealistic thought of turning around the human race will so much as want to bring it about?

So how much then, I have to ask again, can we actually believe in this idea of change when our basic mentality is of intolerance?

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

People before policy

If there is one thing time has taught me, its to never – and I mean never – underestimate the power of the desi network. No matter what happens and to whom, news travels so fast that before the couple that decides to make it official has a chance to hold hands, their uncle's cousin's brother-in-law's best friend's sister will have the chance to gasp at the juicy scandal. What's more, the network has grown stronger with time and with the ease of texting it has the potential of wildfire! You don't even have to bother with talking to people you don't like anymore!

That said, my heart sank on September 11th as I read ‘11,000 US troops to enter Pakistan – have you heard anything about this?’

See with it being 9/11, every American channel was broadcasting supposed patriots and no one here had really read / heard / seen anything about ground troops entering Pakistan. So we – that being me and everyone I mass sent the text to – searched frantically, from GEO news, to BBC online, to just about every channel on cable – nothing. And then finally, flipping impatiently to a CNN talk show with Senator McCain going on about how Americans are the better then the rest of the world – in all seriousness mind you – I saw a tiny news flash scroll across the bottom of my dinky television; ‘Bush authorizes ground troops to enter Pakistan.’

So what does that mean for a country about the size of Texas? Granted they are entering from the far north, areas that most of us haven’t even seen – out of sight, out of mind right? What most people don’t realize though is the gravity of having foreign soldiers on your soil with the common buzzing opinion being that the next 9/11 attacks may just come out of FATA. With General Kayani’s response to retaliate and defend our borders, foreseeing a potential mess, especially with Iraq still being a hot issue, even NATO has decided to step away. Tensions are increasing and everyday there is buzz about how Pakistan is going to be the ‘next great challenge’ for the world and the next US president. So why then, is there so little discussion from the general Pakistani?

The only retort I have heard about is reaction with diplomatic fury – what does that mean exactly? – regarding attacks on militants without prior approval from the green-and-white nation. But the helicopters continue to land and civilians become pawns weekly – the BBC reported 20 last week – in this grand war, o forgive my err, I meant ‘attack on a militant area’.  What’s more, the tribals who were for the most part supporting the government against the militants who insist on blowing up their school, are now just about being forced to take up arms to defend their homes and families. And even though the Pakistani army has allegedly warned the US that their aggressiveness will ‘widen the insurgency by uniting the tribesmen with the Taliban’ (quote BBC Sept. 16th), the tactic does not seem to change.

Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way in favor of war – but I am very preachy of my belief that people are most important that policy. Why does the world not learn from history and past mistakes? Why do we not realize that you cannot always fight fire with fire? From Vietnam, to Afghanistan, to Iraq and now Pakistan, when has bombing the crap out of any given enemy worked? All that is lost is life and the sanctity of life – and in the meantime the ‘problem’ continues to grow. How can the first ever female candidate to run for Vice President support the Iraq war by stating ‘We are winning the war on terror because we have not been attacked since 2001” – mind you this is the same candidate who can see Russia from her front porch. What about all the lives lost in countries she cannot even pronounce? Of homes lost and scars left permanently, all I can say is that its very easy to sit back with a drink in your hand and discuss policy when you never have the time to research and understand the plight of the people.

But then, we as Pakistanis are guilty of this too. We sit back in coffee shops – home and abroad – and talk about policy just like the rest of the world. The average educated person knows which governments at home are corrupt – in their alleged nicknames and embezzlements in the billions – but we don’t do anything about it. We have lively debates about the sanctity of our nation but find it hard to unite – peacefully mind you, I really am weary of what I have read and witnessed in visits back home of student political groups burning tires (go figure the point of that) on highways. What we need is a peaceful voice, uprising, whatever you want to call it, against foreign boots on our soil. Pakistani’s – and the rest of the world – can hardly deal with another crazy war. Maybe its time to use the desi network – and that’s not exclusive to color or cast – as a tool that makes a change for once. 

Monday, September 8, 2008

Missing In The Puppeteers Game

An article in Dawn (online version) read:
“—WASHINGTON, Sept 7: The United States has formally informed Pakistan that it is holding six Pakistanis at Guantanamo Bay prison, including a businessman, accused of exporting nuclear weapons to other countries.
The list includes a so-called “high value” detainee, a nephew of the alleged 9-11 mastermind Khalid Shaikh Mohammed and two brothers who initiated a series of hunger strikes against their continued detention without charge.—”

In every court of law, in any country, it is hard to argue against the right to a fair trial. This right is explicitly proclaimed in Article Ten of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, the Sixth Amendment to the United States Constitution, and Article Six of the European Convention of Human Rights, as well as numerous other constitutions and declarations throughout the world. Why then is it“alright”to skip this legal right when it suit a government to do so?

The red hot question then is why is it so convenient to skip this right when it comes to certain individuals? I am not judging what they did or did not do – but if someone argues that“terrorists” don't have rights I would like to remind them that each person is innocent until proven guilty.

Amongst the unfortunate souls that have just about vanished from society is the case of Aafia Siddqui – the charges against her being never proven and never even coming up until 5 years of her disappearance. Even now, her 3 young children remain listed as missing and who knows what fate they are in?
I am not questioning what she, or the others, may or may not have done – no what I want to know is who exactly determines that all these people can simply be denied basic human rights?

Former President / General Musharraf (what exactly is his title anyway?) must be accountable for his support and co-secrecy with the United States where he played God and “handed over” - Aafia Siddiqui being one of them – to US authorities. Dont get me wrong, I am not anti-Musharraf at all – simply put I deem him the best of the worst. But any half-brained wit, and keep in mind Musharraf is a smart man, could have foretold disastrous outcomes for ignoring the sanctity of basic human rights?

To quote Amnesty International, “The right to a fair trial is a cornerstone of democratic societies. How a person is treated when accused of a crime provides a concrete demonstration of how far a state respects human rights.—”

Unquestionably then the way the United States is and has handled all their apparent“suspects” is not legal, nor moral, in any court of law. US governments will come and go, our own President General is probably now choosing furniture for his farmhouse to retire in; yes the tide changes and brings about new avenues for everyone. But never for those unfortunate enough to be considered as casualties of this time that we live in – day after day, month after month they face the horrors of‘secret prisons, torture in Guantanamo Bay and their loved ones grow hoarse screaming for answers as their names get pushed further and further down on the notorious missing persons list of Pakistan.

The only thing left to see now is how the new lineup of puppeteers handle the situation. Batters up; Mr. 10% Zardari, and whoever is elected in the Nov. election.
No, it isn't fun to be Missing In The Puppeteers Game .